Last night... was interesting to say the least.
I found out that someone I deeply care about has betrayed my trust. I found out what kind of person I have grown to care about. And I have found out that I can indeed move on.
The thing is... though this is likely going to be one of the hardest things I do in my life, its likely for the best. I don't exactly want the same things as I did back in the day... what I want now is actually quite simple.
Security.
Reliability.
If anything, I would be with someone who can appreciate me for the person I am... not for things I have already done. Not as a safety net. And definitely not as a saviour.
Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe that will never happen and I will have to settle for whatever else comes along. But you can't blame a guy for hoping that something, though unlikely as it may seem will happen. You can't blame someone for hoping for happiness.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Yes my dear... I will be there even as the stars begin to burn...
There is a fine line between love and hate.
No matter what I attempt to achieve, what I try to prove to myself and others, I have learnt recently that I will never obtain my own personal ideal. I ask myself everday, 'What exactly is wrong with wanting the perfect life; one full of happiness, of sincerity, and of final satisfaction? What is wrong with that?'
My friends, I know there is nothing wrong with that... but I also suppose that my ideals are much too high to warrant an actual desire. More so, it could and should be described as an ephermal dream.
Always... I have always loved and recieved the pain of stigma and rejection in fatal turn. Would it be better to not love at all and live without passion? To see for once what is actually there and concrete instead of chasing the dream of a almost lost past? Perhaps...
Perhaps I should resign myself to the fact that there is nothing that can possibly compare to actual happiness... including fleeting moments of truth and triumph.
No matter what I attempt to achieve, what I try to prove to myself and others, I have learnt recently that I will never obtain my own personal ideal. I ask myself everday, 'What exactly is wrong with wanting the perfect life; one full of happiness, of sincerity, and of final satisfaction? What is wrong with that?'
My friends, I know there is nothing wrong with that... but I also suppose that my ideals are much too high to warrant an actual desire. More so, it could and should be described as an ephermal dream.
Always... I have always loved and recieved the pain of stigma and rejection in fatal turn. Would it be better to not love at all and live without passion? To see for once what is actually there and concrete instead of chasing the dream of a almost lost past? Perhaps...
Perhaps I should resign myself to the fact that there is nothing that can possibly compare to actual happiness... including fleeting moments of truth and triumph.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Trust and Choices
I have done something extremely stupid.
By attempting to achieve something that has always been there, I have pushed away the person that I have grown to care about more than... anyone really. I have always said that independence is a virtue; one shouldn't have to rely on another to bring forth happiness. But now that I have had time to think things through, I realize that I am absolutely miserable. Yet, I brought this upon myself. All the arguing, the complaints... they were my fault.
Mine.
I can't look back since the damage was already done. There is no way I could ever ask for things to be as they were. I made some serious mistakes... and inflicted this pain. I caused all the tears that have been shed these past few days... and though I may want to turn back time, I cannot expect anything less than my own ridicule.
Today I started my survey portion of my research project and was accepted into the Honors program. And yet, I feel more alone than ever.
By attempting to achieve something that has always been there, I have pushed away the person that I have grown to care about more than... anyone really. I have always said that independence is a virtue; one shouldn't have to rely on another to bring forth happiness. But now that I have had time to think things through, I realize that I am absolutely miserable. Yet, I brought this upon myself. All the arguing, the complaints... they were my fault.
Mine.
I can't look back since the damage was already done. There is no way I could ever ask for things to be as they were. I made some serious mistakes... and inflicted this pain. I caused all the tears that have been shed these past few days... and though I may want to turn back time, I cannot expect anything less than my own ridicule.
Today I started my survey portion of my research project and was accepted into the Honors program. And yet, I feel more alone than ever.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Res
The best place to start, so I've heard, is in the very middle of things...
Therefore, its best not to even begin at all.
Therefore, its best not to even begin at all.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Taking Back Monday
So today, I got word of a few very interesting things. Apparently, I managed to convince 12 new freshmen to join the Hispanic Business Society... or at least to look into it. Which in itself is a good thing considering I have no idea how I convinced them or even if I have talked to them... but that's another matter entirely. I guess what I'm most pleased about is my grade in both Philosophy and Communications.
Now... to find my binder somewhere.
Now... to find my binder somewhere.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Broken teacups
Last night, as I was supposed to be studying for my math midterm, I decided that I should pay my friend Sevan a visit in the HBS E-Board Meeting room. As the tea began to boil, I realized that my favorite teacup had a rather nasty crack in the middle. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be of much concern, but this teacup was part of a set that was given to me by my ex.
The past is something that I have not as of yet managed to shrug off. I realized that as I talked with Sevan about my life... about my high school experiences, and most especially, about our own encounters with grief. Though we both agree that rationally, the most enduring loss is death, we also realized that each of us is still hurt about past relationships.
I guess that its just pain that everyone goes through eventually. I just wish that I knew how to rid myself of it.
The past is something that I have not as of yet managed to shrug off. I realized that as I talked with Sevan about my life... about my high school experiences, and most especially, about our own encounters with grief. Though we both agree that rationally, the most enduring loss is death, we also realized that each of us is still hurt about past relationships.
I guess that its just pain that everyone goes through eventually. I just wish that I knew how to rid myself of it.
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