An Unopened Letter to Myself

In view of recent events, I know that I have humiliated myself beyond the natural recognition of what one would consider 'proper behavior'. Never in my life have I been been so thoroughly embarassed, never have I been so ashamed of my actions... and my intentions. I have lost the one person I have counted on for the past two years... but now, I have accepted the fact. I know that I can move on, and G- willing, I can perhaps someday be happy again.

I had what I would consider my most meaningful relationship thwarted by my own lack of
understanding of others needs. This was in no way this person's fault... she merely lacked the same feelings for me as I had for her. Some people are simply not meant to be... and not all love is returned in kind. I have learnt to accept that. I will no longer beg for something that I cannot have... nor will I ask for her to try when all that will happen is that I will end up even more hurt
than I am now.

For now, I please ask everyone to give me time. To be blunt, I do not need a relationship, nor do I want one. I am in a state of transition... I realize that my feelings for this one person were the purest feelings I could ever feel... and yet, they were not appreciated. Ergo, I have to move on. Maybe one day, when things are different, I will be able to find myself involved in other meaningful relationships... but not any time soon. All I really want are friends... I can offer friendship, but nothing more than that.

I am terribly sorry to the people I have hurt as a result of this...

Dinner With The Irish...

Me: Mike, you look like hell... what happened?

Michael: I have no idea... we went out right?

Me: Duh, but you skipped out to go with Genny

Michael: Genny?

Me: The waitress...

Michael: Dude, I don't even remember dinner much less the waitress.

Powered by ScribeFire.

A Homecoming

I've been hurt... again. While there is life, there is still hope... therefore, I still have hope. Of what, only time will tell... but I have learnt now that to trust blindly is madness... regardless of who it is you place your confidence in.

Marking Grass Stains...

After much discussion with my primary soccer club, I have decided that I will be taking a year at least to hone my skills. That is to say, I will be playing one last season in AYSO soccer.

It has been about 5 years since I last played for the organization, but the commissioner from my old region surprisingly hand wrote a 4 page letter to my parents asking them to reconsider his previous proposal (that I play this season with his all-star team). As it is, I do owe this man an enormous debt of gratitude as he personally wrote the recomendation letter that allowed me to play for the Man United youth academy all those seasons ago.

So... for one last time, I will be donning my old number (12) for region 514, Central Los Angeles.

Library Buddies

Today I had the most fun in days...

Despite everything else going on at home, going today with her helped me get my mind off things... and as much as she thinks that my intended purpose in life is merely to tease her, its fun making her laugh at my silly (and sometimes quite idiotic) behavior. Talking about our future plans really helped put things in perspective for me; I now have a clear idea of what is really attainable. It's funny how merely a month ago, I thought my life was pretty planned out; now I even have aspirations of getting more involved in certain corporation in a management level of some sort... but more on that later when the ideas are more concrete.

Anyways, first league game this Sunday... we'll see how things go.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee!

You know the saying 'You never really know what you had until its actually gone'?



Today, I realized how much I've taken for granted. For instance, as I drove my younger brother to school, we were talking about a great many things; amongst them came our aspirations. Though he is only 12 years old, I already see him as wise beyond his years. He talked about his fears of failure, his hopes for greatness... as he continued to speak, I became more and more amazed at how similar we both are. I spoke to him about peer pressure; how he shouldn't fall for small temptations like drugs, alcohol, or girls... that he should instead devote himself in his entirety to himself.

I don't mean to sound like a parent, but even at a my own (relative to others) young age, I have seen how people become affected by all of this. Perhaps my greatest fear is that one of my own will one day end up on the front page news as another fatal car crash, a casualty of drunkenness or intoxication. Especially since when I see him with such a bright future ahead of him.

The thing that I have valued most about my relationship with my own brother is that despite our own differences, we have never suffered from the awful sibling rivalry that some families experience. Yes, we have had our feuds, but nothing so serious as to prevent us from wishing the other well. There has really been no jealousy between us... and with such in mind, I freely talk about my own accomplishments and performances so that he can put forth his own criticism. As a result, I feel that he does indeed make me a better person.

The midget of the trio, my sister, is as of yet much too young to understand such thoughts. However, I know that one day I will have the pleasure of having the same relationship with her.

Snowfall...

Pain is one of the only things that sometimes helps motivate a man
The fear of losing what is most dear to us... what is most precious
However, is life meant to be solely based on the fear of losing things?
Of the journey between life and death, fulfillment and comsumation of holy sacraments?
Nay, it is meant to be something entirely diferent
Whomever said that the journey is more important than the end result was a either an idiot or a blasphemous liar

For the greater good... anything is fair game